Oklahoma Tornado Scale
For those of you who aren't from "Tornado Alley" and aren't familiar with tornadoes, we've included a layman's scale here to help you understand the way storms are rated:
F0: If you inadvertantly drive into one of the these, it'll pop your sunroof and give your car's interior a complete wash job.
F1: Laughable little string of wind unless it comes through your
house, then enough to make your insurance company drop you like a brick.
People enjoy standing on their porches to watch this kind.
F2: Strong enough to blow your car into your house, unless of course
you drive an Expedition and live in a mobile home, then strong enough to
blow your house into your car.
F3: Will pick your house and your Expedition up and move you to the
other side of town.
F4: Usually ranging from 1/2 to a full mile wide, this tornado can
turn an Expedition into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck.
F5: The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front
porch and watch it, 'cuz it may be the last thing you see.
F6: Thought to be purely theoretical until one hit Oklahoma City on May 3, 1999 with 320 mph winds. Even Oklahoman's can't find anything funny about this one.
METEOROLOGIST: A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until
severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you through the t.v.:
"GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"
STORM CHASER: Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but get us
really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release them from the mental
institution every time it starts thundering, just to see what they'll do.
TRANQUILIZER: What you have to give any dog or cat who lived through
the May 3rd, 1999 tornado every time it storms or they tear your whole house
up freaking out of their minds.
MOORE, OKLAHOMA: A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They like to
meet here and do a little partying before stretching out across the rest of
the Midwest.
BATHTUB: Best place to seek shelter in the middle of a tornado, mostly
because after you're covered with debris, you can quickly wash off and come
out looking great.
SEVERE WEATHER RADIO: A handy device that sends out messages from the
National Weather Service during a storm, though quite disconcerting because
the high pitched, shrill noise just as an alarm sounds suspiciously just
like a tornado.
TORNADO SIREN: A system the city spent millions to install, which is
really useful, unless there's a storm or a tornado, because then of course
you can't hear them.
STORM CELLAR: A great place to go during a tornado, as it is almost 100%
safe, though weigh your options carefully, as most are not cared for and are
homes to rats and snakes.
MAY-JUNE: Tourist season in Oklahoma, when people who are tired of bungee
jumping and diving out of airplanes decide it might be fun to chase a
tornado. These people usually end up on Fear Factor.
BAROMETRIC PRESSURE: Nobody really knows what this is, but when it drops a
lot of pregnant women go into labor, which makes for exciting moments as
their husbands are trying to drive them to the hospital and dodge tornadoes
at the same time.
CARS: The worst place to be during a tornado (next to a mobile home). Yes,
you can out run a tornado in your car...unless everybody on the road decides
to do the same thing, and then you're in grid lock.
A DITCH: Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find yourself
without shelter or in your car during a tornado. Theoretically the tornado
is supposed to pass right over you, but since it can lift a 20 ton truck and
up root a three hundred year old tree, I'd bet my life on out-running it in
a car.
MOBILE HOME: Most people are convinced mobile homes send off some strange
signal that triggers tornadoes, because if there's one mobile home park in a
hundred mile radius, the tornado will find it.
EARTHQUAKE: What any Californian would rather go through on any scale of
severity than face a tornado.
TORNADO: What any Oklahoman would rather go through on any scale of
severity than face an earthquake.
POWER FLASH: One of the most reliable ways to track a tornado at night,
it's the term used when the tornado hits a power line and a bright light
flashes. It's also the emotion experienced by meteorologists when they get
to make the call to interrupt prime-time must-see t.v. and a million dollars
worth of advertising to track a storm for viewers.
The Wisdom of Will Rogers, Famous Cherokee from Oklahoma
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Satan and the Okie
For his daily ritual, Satan walks through his domain to see that everyone is sufficiently miserable. As usual, he pauses to take special pleasure in the pain and agony displayed by the new arrivals. However, on this particular day he spots a lanky Okie smiling and looking like he's at a picnic. "Hey you!" Satan yells. "The temperature in here is a constant 98 degrees and the humidity is 90%! You're supposed to be miserable!" The Okie replies, "Maybe so, but it feels just like Stillwater in June. I had a lot of fun on those hot summer nights at Joe's." Miffed, Satan decides to adjust the temperature up to 102 degrees and the humidity to 98%. The next morning on his daily stroll, Satan notices everyone appearing to be incredibly miserable. Remembering the smiling Okie, he decides to see how he's faring. To his surprise, the Okie has unbuttoned a couple of buttons on his shirt, but he still looks
happy and carefree. Satan cries out, "Hey Okie, what are you smiling about now?" The Okie replies, "Well, this reminds me of those Garth Brooks 4th of July picnics. Boy those were some great parties!"
This really irritated Satan, who immediately turned the temperature up to 110 and the humidity to 100%. On the third day, Satan dispenses with his daily stroll and goes straight to the region of hell where he would locate the Okie. Sure enough, he finds the Okie with his shirt off, but a huge grin on his face. "Okay, so what is it this time?" Satan asks. "Well this reminds me of Stillwater in August. Man, we had some great times watching concerts at the Tumbleweed." Totally irate, Satan determined to put an end to this charade. He sets the temperature all the way down to zero degrees and whips up a 40 mph wind. Later the day, Satan decides to check back on the fool hardy Okie. He finds him huddled and shivering ... lips blue, arms folded, snow in his hair and icicles hanging from him mustache. But there he was sporting a smile bigger than Dallas and laughing out loud. "I GIVE UP!!" declared Satan. "What in the blue blazes could you find to be happy about now?" The Okie replied, "Well, this can only mean one thing.................... THE OSU COWBOYS HAVE FINALLY WON A NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!"
21 Rules to Enter Oklahoma
The following rules apply to visitors as they enter Oklahoma.
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. It's called a "gravel road". I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
3. They are pigs, cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed. We have $250K air conditioned tractors that we drive 3 weeks a year.
5. Every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
6. If your cell phone rings while hunting, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You want sushi & caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday in November.
9. We open doors for women, & not because they can't open it themselves.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak.
11. They're called Indians. There's lots of 'em here. They don't live in tipis. Our cowboys & Indians are the real thing.
12. If you bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown & served over ice.
13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers, and more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards...it spooks the fish.
15. That farm boy in overalls did more work before breakfast than you do all week.
16. We have red dirt. If you don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.
17. If you talk bad about our women, you will get whipped - by our women.
18. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off.
19. It's called a tornado. We stand outside & watch the small ones.
20. Colleges? Try Oklahoma. They come outta here with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.
21. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Oklahoma." . . . or get your hindparts kicked by the best.
Indian Bar
A thirsty Otoe walks into an urban Indian bar around 9:58pm. He sits down next to a Pawnee at the bar, orders a beer and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news comes on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of the Grand Canyon preparing to jump. The Otoe turns to the Pawnee and says, "You know? I bet he'll jump." The Pawnee replied. "Well Ku-tuux, I bet he won't." The Otoe placed his $20 bet on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the Pawnee placed his money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the rim, falling to his death. The Pawnee was very upset and handed his $20 to the Otoe and said, "All is fair. Here is your money." The Otoe replies (laughing), "Uppitt, I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The Pawnee replies, "I did too.... but I didn't think he'd do it AGAIN!"
Bureau of Indian Affairs - Standard Operating Procedure
A group of BIA managers were given the task of measuring the height of a flagpole on the rez. They go out to the flagpole with ladders, tape measures, and (of course) a clipboard full of BIA Forms, expecting to finish the job quickly. Being DC trained, they fall off the ladders, drop the tape measures, and all of the forms blow away - the whole thing is a typical BIA job.
A carload of young fellows drives by on their way to a sweat. Having good hearts, they stop the car, pull the flagpole out of the ground, lay it down, measure it, put the pole back in its upright position, give the measurement to the BIA paper-pushers, and drive away.
As the car rolls off down the dusty road, one BIA stuffed shirt laughs and says to his fellows "Isn't that just like an Indian? We're looking for the height and they give us the length."
YOU COULD BE AN INDIAN IF:
...someone asks you your stance on immigration, and you just laugh
...your car starts with a screwdriver
...all the people in the community or town you live in are your cousins
...you don't pay for storage lockers cuz the cars parked in your front yard store stuff free
...As a young child, learning your ABC's was hard because you wondered what the joke was every time you heard AAAYE
...someone at a picnic yells "Hey, you with the blanket, over here," and you think it's an invitation for romance
...you're dancing to "Running Bear" at your local bar and it begins to rain
...you put a "Free Peltier" sticker on your truck, and the FBI wiretaps your house
...someone points out directions with his lips and you know exactly where he is talking about
...during a night out on the town, you announce you're going home and drive five hours to get there
Humor from the Pokagon Band of Potawatomi
A Kiowa hunting party was in Potawatomi hunting grounds, hunting for deer. Some Potawatomi guys saw them but figured, Hey, they'll never get anything. A little while later they see these Kiowa guys pulling a dead deer by his feet and are having an awful time getting the deer out of the brush. The Potawatomis felt bad for the guys and stopped them and said. 'Hey guys, we know that you are in our hunting grounds and we didn't stop you because we figured you'd never find anything. Maybe you do things different on your rez, but here, we pull a deer out of the brush by his antlers so that he pulls easily, not getting resistance against the fur.' The Kiowa guys said 'Great, Migwetch!' and began pulling the deer by his antlers. After a while, one of the Kiowa guys said, Hey those guys might be right, it is easier getting him out of the brush, but man, we're getting farther and farther from the truck.....'
A Cherokee woman is driving down the road when she sees an Ojibway gal hitchhiking. She pulls over and offers her a ride. This Ojibway gal notices a big bottle of whiskey on the seat between them and asks the Cherokee, 'What's this?' The Cherokee gal said, 'I got it for my old man.' The Ojibway says, 'Good trade."
Navajo Message To The Moon
In 1966, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City, where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar space suits.
Nearby, a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange
creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not. Later, they tried to get a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."
Don't Mess With Indian Women
An Indian man has six beautiful children, and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home my little mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four!"
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR AN INDIAN SAY
1) "Dang, it's gonna rain and I just waxed my car."
2) "No, I don't feel like going snagging tonight."
3) "You can't feed that to the dog!"
4) "No thanks we're vegetarians."
5) "No thanks I don't want any fry bread."
6) "Do you think my hair is too long?"
7) "Trim the fat off that steak."
8) "The tires on that truck are too big."
9) "Yes officer, I have my license & insurance right here."
10) "Commodities? What's that?"
New "NDN" Words
The following appeared in the July 5, 2001 issue of the Rapid City Journal, in a column entitled Four Directions, by Cheryl Long Feather
Commodify (kah MOD if eye) uncanny ability of Indian women to convert the ingredients of any standard cookbook recipe to commodity ingredients such as powered milk, powered eggs and canned meat.
Powwowvow (pow wow vow) the standard pledge of the powwow Romeo: "Sure, baby, I'll meet you at the next pow wow. Your're the only jingle dress dancer for me. Really! Look at this face. Would I lie?"
Moccashoe (Mock ah shoe) contemporary dancer footwear designed by beading the top of tennis shoes or aquasocks instead of making moccasins the old fashion way.
Skinship (SKIN ship) the eventual relative connection that all Indian people, discover within 10 minutes of meeting each other.
Vis a cheese(VEES ah cheez) mode of exchange in which a block of commidity cheese can purchase other goods or services.
Indinferior (IN din FEER ee your) a manifestation of self oppression; the practice of Indians looking down on other Indians for either not speaking the language or not being full blood or not participating in ceremonies or not living on the rez or not wearing braids or not dancing in pow wows or not having etc.etc., blah blah.
BIease (BEE EYE eez) an affliction within the Bureau of Indian Affairs characterized by the inability to keep track of millions of dollars.
Snaggravated (SNAG ra vayt ed) the annoying feeling one gets upon realizing that last night's snag isn't quite as hot in the light of day.
Triballistic (tribal ISS tik) to become irrational and incoherent upon hearing the latest self serving, short sighted and illogical decision made by the local tribal council.
Rezercize (REZ er size) the involuntary health regime of walking everywhere on the rez since your Indian car broke down for good.
Fordrum (FORD drum) the instrument used for singing purposes when a regular drum is not available; usually the dented hood of a one eyed Ford.
Frybreadth (FRY bredth) a unit of measurement based on the standard size of a piece of auntie's frybread.
AlterNative (alter NAY TIV) an individual who was born and raised in the non Indian culture but recently "discovered" a "hidden" Indian ancestor so now uses pithy Indian phrases, assumes a name such as Laughing Rainbow, White Wolf or Dreams of Eagles, calls all Indian people Brother and Sister and wears genuine Hong Kong beadwork; usually found in the East and West coast region but had documented sighting in other regions as well.
Councilmenopause (cown sil MEN oh paws) a disorder characterized by hot flashes, profuse sweating impairment of speech and loss of memory; normally occurs only to tribal councilmen when cornered by a constituent.
Disunderstanding (DISS under stand ing) when non Indians think that they understand why tribes and individual Indians are the way they are, but attribute any and all behavior to the culture or the race.
NEW NDN SURVIVOR SERIES!
10 people will be dropped into a reservation where they will have to endure one week of hardship, gossiping, backstabbing, jealousy, teepee creeping, 49ing, and be able to survive on high-fat, high cholesterol foods (USDA approved).
The 10 contestants will be given:
* Five sacred rocks.
* Rez car with no doors and no backglass.
* Unwinterized HUD house.
* Three days worth of food stamps.
* Five days of of continuous "PowWow Highway" clips.
* Moccasins, headband & feathers to wear around the rez (which demonstrates cultural sensitivity to reservation inhabitants).
The lone survivor of RESERVATION SURVIVOR will receive:
* Casino coupon book (a $10.00 value).
* Authentic, Indian hand-made Dreamcatcher.
* A "Princess Pale Moon" Edition Pendleton blanket.
How To Tell If You're An Okie
It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash (Will Rogers).
You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Tecumseh, Okemah and Chickasha.
You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
You understand the difference between 3.2 and 6 point, & you've made a beer run to another state.
A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
If you have ever had this conversation: "You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."
"Vacation" means going to the family reunion or a pow-wow.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
You measure distance in minutes.
You use fix as a verb. Example: "I am fixin' to go to the store".
You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
You actually "get" these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Oklahoma.
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
MILITANT INDIAN: That chicken should block the road, not cross the road!!!
DEMOCRATIC INDIAN: The chicken crossed the road because he didn't have enough funding.
TRADITIONAL INDIAN: Those chiggens weren't traditional because they were supposed to be on it - not crossing it!
URBAN INDIAN: That chicken crossed the road 'cause it was a city, man. You know what I mean?
NEW AGE INDIAN: It was basically because of Jungian dream therapy, drumming, sweatlodges, my shaman, and long walks on the beach, near my beach house.
POW WOW INDIAN That chicken must have been heading to a 49!
IHS INDIAN: I really don't care why he crossed that road. We still aren't paying for no stinkin hospital bills.
BIA INDIAN: They crossed it because of CFR 49, Section 11299, gives them the authority to do so, under Department of Interior regulations, in the Executive Branch. They wrote a grant and we funded them. We are very proud of them.
TRIBAL INDIAN COUNCIL: The chicken crossed the road before we did? Fire his family!!!
Did You Hear The One About...
A Cree man and a Ojibway woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep. The Cree man in the upper berth, and the Ojibway woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night the Cree man leans over, wakes the Ojibway woman and says,"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket." The Ojibway woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married." The Cree man happily says, "OK! AWESOME!" Then the Ojibway woman says "GOOD..... Get your own blanket."
Top 10 Things To Say To A Non-Indian Upon First Meeting
10. How much white are you?
9. I'm part white myself, you know.
8. I learned all your people's ways in the Boy Scouts (Order of the Bullet).
7. My great-great-grandmother was a full-blooded European princess.
6. Funny, you don't look white.
5. Where's your powdered wig and knickers?
4. Do you live in a covered wagon?
3. What's the meaning behind the square dance?
2. Oh wow, I really love your hair! Can I touch it?
1. What's your feeling about river-boat casinos? Do they really help your people, or are they just a short-term fix?
IF SANTA WERE INDIAN
At bedtime, kids would leave corn soup and frybread for the big guy.
Santa's new moccasins would be made out of Dasher.
He'd run around saying "ayyy..." and "shhh...ttt" instead of "ho, ho".
A five pound block of cheese and day-old bread would be under every tree.
His elves would never show up for work on Mondays and sometimes Fridays.
The sleigh would need a jump start every other state and would have one donut tire.
He would be able to navigate his sleigh by pointing his lips.
All his elves would be Hopi's from the Second Mesa.
According to Indian time, our gifts would arrive in February.